(From The Book) Vital Friends

We expect the other person to meet our every need – to be the one who pushes us to achieve; who listens unconditionally; who always lends a hand; and who is, all the while, the most fun. Whether it was a good friend, someone we were dating, or a colleague at work, we always expected that person to do several things to uphold his or her end of the relationship. But it never happened, and we were always disappointed.

Maybe we should have looked in the mirror. When thinking about our friendships – from the vantage point of the other person – it is clear that we cannot meet many of the expectations we have had of others. There are countless things we expect from our friendships. We may have had a parent, teacher, or manager who expected us to be good at nearly everything. If so, we know how frustrating it can be when another person expects so much from us, and – no matter what we do – we cannot deliver. It is unlikely that one person can deliver everything.

The problem is, friendships are not designed to be well-rounded. It’s so damaging when another person focuses on what we do not bring to the friendship. The key to any great friendship: focusing on what each friend does contribute to our life. We should not expect any of our friends to be good at EVERYTHING.

If we want to make a knife work more effectively, we sharpen the edge that is already designed to cut. Sharpening the opposite side of the blade would take a substantial amount of time and make the knife more dangerous. Attempting to sharpen the handle would simply defy common sense, as it was never meant to be sharpened. We try and force one person to be sharp in every way – even when it’s a useless or potentially destructive exercise.

Instead, the key is to know the areas where each friendship has the most potential for sharpening.

Vital Friend: 1. Someone who measurably improves your life. 2. A person at work or in your personal life whom you can’t afford to live without.

Does proximity matter in vital friendships? Do friends need to live nearby?

Initially, most people thought proximity could be a major issue. Proximity matters, but maybe not in the case of vital friendships. Proximity matters at the time of FORMING friendships but not necessarily in MAINTAINING them. Strong ties remain strong regardless of distance.